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Living With, And Understanding Grief

hroughout time, mankind has been raised to
produce, and re-produce. As generations and
cultures have developed, aspects or behaviors of
our past ancestors has been saved, discarded, or
perhaps lost. For most North Americans, we have
lost a sense of grief, what it is, and how we go
about doing it. How often do we hear of our
children being taught by their parents, the skill
of how to grieve well? One thing we all
experience in life is loss of the life of someone
near and dear to us. We as human beings, as great
as we are, scientifically speaking, begin to die
the moment we are born, for our cells die
continually from birth onward.

What Is Grief And The Process Of Grieving?

Grief, quickly defined, is our ability to deal
with loss. While we most often look at grief as
an emotional response, it also is reflected in
our social, cognitive, behavioral, philosophical,
and physical dimensions. Grief is most commonly
identified with the death of a loved one close to
us.

Two terms which are often used to mean the same
thing, speak to two different aspects of grief.
Bereavement is the state of loss, and Grief is
the reaction to loss. While traditionally, when
speaking on the subject of grieving one
immediately assumes this to mean death, but loss
can include loss of employment, friends, pets,
societal status, marriage, our sense of safety,
order in our lives, possessions, etc. Any form of
change in our life that brings with it loss,
results in grief. The way we respond to loss is
strongly influenced by our personality, culture,
family beliefs, as well as our spiritual and
religious beliefs.

Bereavement is a normal part of life for all of
us, although rarely recognized as such. The way
we react to loss can carry over into and harm
many of the relationships around us, and numerous
deep seated mental illnesses find their root in
a person at some past point of deep loss.

The Stages Of Grief.

In 1969, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross published a book
Death and Dying, MacMillan Publishing Company.
In this book she referred to the five stages of
dealing with catastrophic loss. In her original
text, Kubler-Ross was addressing the emotions a
terminally ill person experiences in coping with
knowing how they will die. In time these stages
have mutated to become known today as The Five
Stages of Grief. These stages are identified as,
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and
Acceptance.

While some in the field of clinical counseling
believe the grieving process is one stage
followed neatly by the other, truthfully, the
process of grieving is more like a spiraling
roller-coaster ride, where by one can revisit the
prior stages, several times before finally
letting go and moving on to the next stage in the
process. Sometimes we can skip a stage, or go
through three stages simultaneously.

Grieving is a work in progress, and should be
done completely, not assigning a time line which
includes a completion date. Often it's not until
one has gone through the five stages of Grieving,
when all your friends have stopped their
expressions of sympathy, and people think you
should get on with life, that the real work of
grieving begins. Grief work is summarized by the
acronym TEAR. T - To accept the reality of loss.
E - Experience the pain of loss. A - Adjust
to your new environment without the object you
lost. R - Reinvest in your new reality.

TEAR can only begin once a person has reached the
ACCEPTANCE stage of the 5 Steps Of Grieving.
Giving credence to the argument that in reality
there are 9 stages to the grieving process and
not 5 as many mental health professionals believe,
or have been taught to believe. If we can accept
the identification of 9 stages of grief, then we
must also recognize for those we know and love
who are going through this process, the last 4 of
the nine stages are often journeyed through alone,
after the friends walk away, after the courts
assign closure to the legal processes, after
those around you begin to believe it's time you
need to get on with your life. It’s at stage 6
where the real work of grieving begins, for one
begins and goes through this work very, very,
very much alone.

How Long Does Grieving Take?

While cultures over the history of man have
assigned periods of time to this process, we
truly never stop grieving the object of our loss
in life. When we reflect on that loss, we will
respond and react emotionally to varying degrees,
and for varying periods of time. While some have
said. Time heals all wounds, in the case of
grieving this is not so, we, over time, grieve to
a lesser level of intensity, and perhaps shorter
periods of time, learning to move on with life in
the face of our loss, but we rarely forget the
object of our loss.

The key to grieving is to embrace it and grieve
well.
About the Author
James C. Tanner, www.silent-wonder.com is a
retired entrepreneur, a former special
Investigator, and a published writer. His
articles and comments are published widely in
periodicals, ezines, blogs, and training programs.